I think it’s because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s only a quasi-religious one. *sigh* The first holiday without notRelevant. It’s getting harder and harder to lose myself in the code because I find myself having to actually sit and work out the problem that I need to solve, which results in a lot of “thinking time” and my mind has yet to come around to my side of things. I’m still sad every day. Not all day every day, but for a significant portion. Coding is giving me a routine to look forward to, something positive and definitive that I can actually use, but I’m still hurting, even if I do manage to “hack the hurt” for a few hours each day.
Today’s a holiday that I would have spent cooking, laughing, being with someone I loved–except if I’m being honest, that’s not true. He stopped being my love long before I left and I had thought of leaving a dozen different times. I’m not sad because I miss him, although part of me does in a way. I’m sad because I miss that connectedness, the intertwining of lives. The dumb BitMojis and memes and snaps that were our world together. I feel like I’ve crash landed on a new world now, and I’m the only one here, just looking for my way back home.